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The Tapper Troubadour: an ode to Hammond (_7_)

by closets

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1.
Zip Code 02:52
Calumet avenue.  Those six syllables mean nothing to you Esoteric as a zip code  Indy’s way closer than Kennedy Even though their distance is a dozen trees Esoteric as a zip code Clowning around at the city fair  while we’re laughing at our Mayor’s stare Esoteric as a zip code  If only everybody lived on my block But I’d rather live alone under my rock  So I guess you’ll never see  Why it’s special to me Anderson’s safer than Tanglewood They’re apartment complexes in case you misunderstood Esoteric as a zip code Petros has the best food in this world  But I’m sure you’ll say the same of Jason’s Bar & Grill Esoteric as a zip code If only everybody lived on my block But I’d rather live alone under my rock  So I guess you’ll never see  Why it’s special to me
2.
Man about town ,  Which diner has an early bird deal?  How come you’re always around there just to eat that same old meal?  Man about town, there’s a Shake Shack off Ashland Ave!  Aren’t you bored with covering that  12 dollar 7 cent tab?  Don’t hand me a passport I’m 219 bound I have no problem confessing I’m a man about town Man about town,  Ain’t it time to go home?   As long as it’s city limits, everywhere’s like my own  Man about town,  All your friends left, you must feel so alone It’s all memories for now while  I’m stuck here on dial tone  Don’t hand me a passport I’m 219 bound I have no problem confessing I’m a man about town
3.
As I rave about street-light lore You all call it a bore   potholed alleys to quaint bonfires I’m your local small town cryer I’m your tapper troubadour Hear me strumming by your door Which local tidbits shall I rhyme this time? Where the city meets the town Brown yuppies and hobo clowns Blue collar to the core But at night, a topless whore Everybody’s says it’s past its prime  I’m your tapper troubadour Hear me strumming by your door Which local tidbits shall I rhyme this time?   Hammond, the urban  Hammond, the suburban Where Illinois plates are the only crime I’m your tapper troubadour Hear me strumming by your door Which local tidbits shall I rhyme this time? Follow me for a tour From detours to the shore I assure you’ll have the best of times I’m your tapper troubadour Hear me strumming by your door Which local tidbits shall I rhyme this time?
4.
In The Event 02:37
In the event,  in the event that I go out I promise not to make enemies  I will not shout  In the event,  in the event, that I stay in At least the chances are slim that I will sin  But In the event,  in the event, that I drive around  I can window shop around my town  At least, my wallet will still weigh a quarter pound  I will see,  I will see what keeps them busy But I must admit all their progress makes me dizzy  In the event,  in the event, that I still live here But, I know I will, and always will I hope I made that clear 
5.
Wanna watch my kid’s little league from the bleachers?  How about the beach? It’s that time of year.  I’d hate to admit, I’d rather answer with neither.  Thank you very much, but I’d rather stay home How about dancing after hours at the club? Or playing beer pong, then trying to chug? Sorry but I’d rather stay here sipping tea out a  mug Thank you very much, but I’d rather stay home How about that inaugural Zombie marathon walk? Or let’s go see that Disney movie with the genie that talks? Sorry but I’d rather weep, sleep, and rot Thank you very much, but I’d rather stay home They’re going on vacations eight hundred forty miles away Though here I am twiddling thumbs till I catch a strain of grey Thank you very much, but I’d rather stay home
6.
I was strutting down towards Kennedy Looking for that three floor gallery 
I used to frequent here
 At least once a year Now it’s one big space for some Dada doll She’ll chug red wine through all six halls Is her birthday 10/31? 
Or is she putting on a front? Prolific for some GenX region rat With art lined up on two dozen racks One day, she’s in LA
 Next month, she’s here to stay Wearing rags and tags is her mystique She’ll turn her cheek as she pecks your cheek What’s she looking for? 
Well, I guess there’s the door She winked at me, and she cuddled you But she’s twice my age, I can’t even buy a brew Guess I’ll wait and see
 I’ll make like a tree? Her love hexagon’s in seven days She’ll come your way to turn away She’s got a client date Can’t commission late But I’ll stay to strum and twiddle thumbs No matter what or not becomes Of this Hessville hexagon One day, soon, that shape’s all gone My lights stay out on Kennedy As I seek sardonic serenity To her esoteric smirk And knee-jerk quirks
7.
Pained me to see the key in that door   avoid PBJ at that First Choice store  At Nick and George’s, theres salt and there’s pepper  Can’t even bear envelopes holding letters Cant even punch a nail in the wall  Pitcher and catcher, I’ll bury the ball I shiver from warmth of fire and wood      Please dear socket, that plug’s up to no good Block lunar and sol that spin life together  When Eve’s holding Day, I’ll continue to sever  Those lamps remains dark, since I threw out the bulbs Alas I did split the ceiling and walls  Sayonara to every music and rhyme  And to both of those arms that tell me the time  I guess I’ll grip onto my blood and my heart And offer you traces till death will I part
8.
Carny Arnie 05:26
Crazy Carny Arnie’s got nothing to lose He’s got a better chance winning kneeled down at a pew Waving down his buddies from Hammond senior year They got wives and kids, he’s selling elephant ears Brings up memories like they’re breaking news Same old stories, he’s got the souvenir flu Cotton candies, tilt-a-whirl, shooting some darts Snow-cones, photo booths, rinky-dink go karts He never thought Wolf Lake could take a tole Looking more battered than a whack a mole Crazy Carny Arnie’s got nothing to lose He’s got a better chance winning kneeled down at a pew He’s not the barker you’d beg to think Never shouts, but always looks on the brink For him, most hours tend to be slow Twiddling his thumbs till the hour glass runs low But then walks up his old pal with his son To play shoot the clown with the water gun He didn’t know better who to shoot Arnie’s tears ran down like a parachute Crazy Carny Arnie’s got nothing to lose He’s got a better chance winning kneeled down at a pew Crumpled diploma in his glove compartment That car don’t even got a plate He takes better care of his naval lint Never keeps up on sticky noted dates Crossing Illinois state-line never mean much Why would you care when you’re out of touch Puts on a show for red ticketed youths I guess a man’s best friend‘s a vaudevillian booth Crazy Carny Arnie’s got nothing to lose He’s got a better chance winning kneeled down at a pew  
9.
Peephole 02:55
Here I am. Staring through the peep hole once again Scoping out all my long lost best of friends Sometimes I daydream that they’re all still around  Guess It’s me and this street light beam since they all left this town  I saw some familiar spirit at the supermarket As I tried to remind him of our antics  on Calumet  But he just shrugged and said he’s here for two more days I guess I’m the lone cockroach who had the nerve to stay  Here I am. Staring through the peep hole once again Scoping out all my long lost best of friends Sometimes I daydream that they’re all still around  Guess It’s me and this street light beam since they all left this town  Behold that vacant lot, it was our Mecca then And that hardware shop of ruins,  that were I met most my friends Sometimes I stand here and absorb the silent air As I pray that these remains  will lead me from despair.  Here I am. Staring through the peep hole once again Scoping out all my long lost best of friends Sometimes I daydream that they’re all still around  Guess It’s me and this street light beam since they all  left this town
10.
Woodmar ain’t what it used to be If you don’t pin it down, they’ll claim it free Dear Landlord yuppy, comfort me All my buds and bloods are gone Only life ‘round here’s a five foot lawn My sister tells me leave there when you can When I catch a millisec If and when I’m not a wreck Watch me cling to any unwashed hand Count passing fads like sleeping sleep Pile vices up till there’s a heap Pull my sagging pants up when I get the chance     My sister says to move down state Where the rent’s as high as pearly gates But I’m locked in park as I try to navigate For now, I remain the last intwined To a town that never aged like wine Go ahead, make Jean Shepherd breathe and stand  When I catch a millisec If and when I’m not a wreck Watch me cling to any unwashed hand Count passing fads like sleeping sleep Pile vices up till there’s a heap Pull my sagging pants up when I get the chance  Did you receive my last memo I stamped and sent it months ago About how momma’s bedridden in my bungalow She can barely comprehend a thing But you’ll just wonder what her estate brings I guess I’ll call you back when we try to split the land  When I catch a millisec If and when I’m not a wreck Watch me cling to any unwashed hand Count passing fads like sleeping sleep Pile vices up till there’s a heap Pull my sagging pants up when I get the chance 
11.
As I hear old chollos hollerin’ Your garage is cracked half-open You’re just fixing up an engine But It’s enough to grab attention Tonight I’ll be your pal I’ll see you in the night Al You’re always saying what you think When you’ve had too much to drink I’ve heard that story twenty times But your nostalgia’s so sublime Tonight I’ll be your pal I’ll see you in the night Al Next door neighbor, I’m in need I’ll be your mouth to feed The kabobs are on your grill I’ve learned to cherish your cheap thrills Tonight I’ll be your pal I’ll see you in the night Al

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released January 10, 2024

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closets Chicago, Illinois

artsy-fartsy, un-easy listening for the new millennium

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